How to Beat "Dating Déjà Vu"
5 tips for avoiding another hurtful relationship
By Karen Sherman, Ph.D.
Special to Yahoo! Personals
So you've finally gotten past the old relationship, licked your wounds, and sworn you've learned your lessons. You've starting dating again and you're even taking it slowly. Though you've healed, the hurt from the past is still vivid in your memory.
And then, suddenly, there he or she is! There's just something about this person that feels right. For all the people you've been going out with, this person seems different -- there's a comfort level you don't experience with the others. And so, you start to shun the others and make a more definitive commitment to this person.
And you're happy. Yes, this could be "the one"!
But then, a few months into the relationship, you start to realize that though your new partner seemed different from your last one, he/she really isn't different at all. The more you get to know the person, the more you recognize the same underlying traits. Maybe he/she isn't generous with money or not emotionally expressive or makes unilateral decisions.
And you ask yourself, "How could this happen again?"
Patterns from the past
The truth is, we tend to be drawn to the same types over and over again. That's because they remind us of someone in our family of origin, which accounts for the initial feeling of comfort. Generally, there's an unresolved issue you're hoping to resolve in the relationship. Please note that all of this is happening at a sub-awareness level.
Here are some examples: Let's say you had a very strict upbringing. You might be attracted to someone who's controlling, so you can replay this earlier issue and no longer feel restricted. Or, if you had a parent who was emotionally shut down, you might be drawn to someone who gets upset when you're emotional, so you can rework feeling comfortable when you do express your feelings.
I believe that part of the reason this happens is because we have learned certain patterns in our childhood to help us adapt to our family of origin -- these are our survival tools. If they work -- that is, we feel we are loved by our parents -- we continue to use them. Using the examples above, we become compliant to a controlling father or try to hide our feelings from a non-expressive mother.
And, we continue to do them, without thinking. We start to function mindlessly, as if we are on "automatic pilot."
How to avoid "dating déjà vu"
So, how can you stop this pattern? The key is awareness. Here are five tips to help you steer clear of another hurtful relationship:
1. Be self-observant. Ask yourself, after you've gotten to know someone, what are the traits in them that you were initially drawn to? It's likely that these are the very aspects of the person that bother you -- ones that you say you don't want in another relationship.
2. Be analytical. What issues from your childhood does this person reflect?
3. Consider doing some personal work. By working on whatever the unresolved issue is for you, it will no longer need as much attention through someone else.
4. Be aware. Everything you want to know about someone is there right in the beginning. You just have to pay close attention and not be blinded by your emotions. That's why your friends can see a trait that you might not.
5. Work it through. Is the overall relationship a good one? Remember that everyone has issues. If each of you learns to accept and respect the issues of the other person, the relationship can be quite healing for both of you.
Karen Sherman, Ph.D., a specialist in relationships for over 20 years, offers teleseminars and is co-author of "Marriage Magic! Find It! Make It Last." She is on the web at drkarensherman.com.
Friday, May 04, 2007
How to Beat "Dating Déjà Vu"
Posted by William N. Phillips, Jr. at 5/04/2007 04:25:00 AM
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
'Newhart' Star Tom Poston Passes Away
May 01, 2007
"He will be sorely missed," says friend and co-star Bob Newhart.
Emmy-winning sitcom sidekick TOM POSTON, who memorably starred alongside BOB NEWHART on "Newhart," passed away on Monday night. He was 85.
The veteran comic actor was nominated three times for an Emmy during his tenure as lovable lunk George Utley on the popular '80s show. He was also nominated for an Outstanding Guest Actor Emmy for his appearance on "Coach"; he won a Best Supporting Actor Emmy in 1959 for his role on "The STEVE ALLEN Show."
"The death ... of Tom Poston, a versatile and veteran performer and a kind hearted individual, comes as a great shock," Bob Newhart said in a statement. "He will be sorely missed and was an important part of the 'Newhart' family. Tom was always the 'go to guy' on 'Newhart' in addition to being a good and longtime friend," he added.
More recently, Poston had recurring roles on TV shows like "Committed" and "That '70s Show."
Poston is survived by his wife, "Bob Newhart" star SUZANNE PLESHETTE, as well as three children from previous marriages.
Posted by William N. Phillips, Jr. at 5/02/2007 01:03:00 AM
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Left-handed women may have a shorter life-span
Tue May 1, 9:15 AM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - A study suggests that women who are left-handed have a higher risk of dying, particularly from cancer and cerebrovascular disease - damage to an artery in the brain or an artery that supplies blood to the brain.
While it could be a chance finding and the evidence is far from conclusive, numerous reports have associated left-handedness with various disorders and, in general, a shorter life span, Dutch researchers note in their report in the journal Epidemiology.
"Left-handers are reported to be underrepresented in the older age groups, although such findings are still much debated," write Dr. Made K. Ramadhani and colleagues from University Medical Center Utrecht. It is estimated that about 1 in 10 people are lefties.
Among 12,178 middle-aged Dutch women the researchers followed for nearly 13 years, 252 died.
When left-handed women were compared with the other women, and the data were adjusted for a number of potentially confounding factors, lefties had a 40 percent higher risk of dying from any cause, a 70 percent higher risk of dying from cancer, and a 30 percent higher risk of dying from diseases of the circulatory system.
Left-handed women also had a 2-fold increased risk of dying from breast cancer, close to a 5-fold increased risk of dying from colorectal cancer, and more than a 3-fold higher risk of cerebrovascular mortality.
The underlying mechanisms remain elusive, although genetics and environmental factors may be involved, Ramadhani and colleagues suggest. Much of the research into handedness and mortality has been fueled by the hypothesis that left-handedness is the result of an insult suffered during prenatal life, which ultimately leads to the early death.
The author of a commentary, Dr. Olga Basso, who is left-handed, is highly skeptical, in general, of research relating disease and death with handedness. "I am not alone in thinking that the literature on handedness suffers from a number of ills," regardless of the putative illnesses seen in those who are left-handed, she notes.
"Having successfully dodged a number of disorders," adds Basso, "I doubt that my left hand is prematurely pulling me toward my grave."
Basso is with National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences, Research Triangle Park, North Carolina.
SOURCE: Epidemiology March 2007.
Bill's Comment: I remember back in high school a girl I knew told me that lefties are better in bed. Easy for her to speak, since she is a southpaw. I wouldn't know, since I am neither a lefty or had sex with one. I just wonder if one may have to do with the other.
Posted by William N. Phillips, Jr. at 5/01/2007 04:00:00 PM
Sunday, April 29, 2007
DEI confirms discussions with Yates about merging
By Sporting News Wire Service
April 29, 2007
08:30 PM EDT
TALLADEGA, Ala. -- The clear hope of a potential deal between Dale Earnhardt Inc. and Robert Yates Racing, reported Saturday on FoxSports.com, would be a strengthening of the organization that emerges from a sale, but a laundry list of major and minor details remains open for discussion.
The major details to be addressed include Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s future and the nameplate on the cars the new organization would field.
DEI's John Story confirmed Sunday that talks of a DEI acquisition of Yates had resumed in earnest approximately six weeks ago. A merger of the two teams would marry the power of Yates engines -- under the aegis of Robert Yates' son and premier engine builder, Doug Yates -- with the enhanced engineering and star power of DEI.
Concurrent with the discussions of a DEI acquisition of Yates are negotiations between DEI and Earnhardt toward the extension of Earnhardt's contract to drive for DEI, which will expire this year if not renewed. Max Siegel, president of global operations for DEI, and Kelley Earnhardt Elledge, Earnhardt's sister and business manager, are the principal negotiators of a possible extension.
Owned by Earnhardt's stepmother, Teresa Earnhardt, DEI fields Chevrolets for Earnhardt, Martin Truex Jr. and Paul Menard. Yates' two-car stable features the Fords of David Gilliland and Ricky Rudd.
Story said DEI already has a formal proposal from General Motors to extend the long-standing association between the Earnhardts and Chevrolet. Story also said DEI had been contacted by two other carmakers. The Sporting News confirmed independently that DEI has had preliminary discussions with Ford Motor Company.
According to Story, the deal with Chevrolet is not contingent on Earnhardt remaining at DEI. Story said performance is the crux of the issue in a potential deal with Yates. He stressed the company's commitment to establish DEI as "a perennial contender for championships."
Posted by William N. Phillips, Jr. at 4/29/2007 11:56:00 PM
Ashes of Star Trek's Scotty fly to space
By ALICIA A. CALDWELL, Associated Press Writer
Sat Apr 28, 7:25 PM ET
UPHAM, N.M. - The cremated remains of actor James Doohan, who portrayed engineer "Scotty" on "Star Trek," and of Mercury astronaut Gordon Cooper soared into suborbital space Saturday aboard a rocket.
It was the first successful launch from Spaceport America, a commercial spaceport being developed in the southern New Mexico desert.
Suzan Cooper and Wende Doohan fired the rocket carrying small amounts of their husbands' ashes, and those of about 200 others, at 8:56 a.m. local time.
"Go baby, go baby," said Eric Knight of the commercial launch company, UP Aerospace Inc. of Farmington, Conn.
Since it was a suborbital flight, the rocket soon parachuted back to Earth, coming down at the White Sands Missile Range.
"We nailed it. We stuck the landing," said Knight.
UP Aerospace launched the first rocket from the desert site in September, but that Spaceloft XL rocket crashed into the desert after spiraling out of control about nine seconds after liftoff. Company officials blamed the failure on a faulty fin design.
Family members paid $495 to place a few grams of their relatives' ashes on the rocket. Celestis, a Houston company, contracted with UP to send the cremated remains into space.
Family and friends who watched the 20-foot rocket take off from about 4 miles away cheered and cried as it flew and the mission control center announced the launch was successful.
Wende Doohan, of Renton, Wash., said her husband of 30 years sought a space ride for his remains after "Star Trek" creator Gene Roddenberry's remains were launched in 1997. James Doohan died in July 2005 at age 85.
On Saturday morning she wore a flight jacket from Doohan's son-in-law, Air Force Reserve Chief Master Sgt. Paul Pritchard, who died this week of cancer.
"He and Jimmy are together watching history," Wende Doohan said.
Kathy Allums' uncle, James Roach, told relatives long before his death three years ago that he wanted his remains flown to space. Some laughed at the seemingly crazy idea.
"I'm just beside myself," said Allums, of Arlington, Texas. "It's more than what I expected. It's exactly what he would have wanted."
Charles Chafer, chief executive of Celestis, said last month that a CD with more than 11,000 condolences and fan notes was placed on the rocket with Doohan's remains.
The launch from the fledgling spaceport — currently a 100-foot by 25-foot concrete slab in a patch of desert more than 50 miles north of Las Cruces — keeps the New Mexico project ahead of its nearest competitor, in West Texas.
Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon.com, is said to be developing the spaceport north of Van Horn, Texas. Bezos' Blue Origin is working to develop tourist space flights.
British billionaire Richard Branson also has announced plans to launch a space tourism company, which is expected to have its headquarters at the New Mexico spaceport.
Bill's Comment: Are we taking, "Beam me up, Scotty!", a little too far?
Posted by William N. Phillips, Jr. at 4/29/2007 12:41:00 AM
Box of condoms leads to evacuation
Sat Apr 28, 4:52 AM ET
ANKENY, Iowa - Several classrooms at Des Moines Area Community College were evacuated after college officials became nervous about a suspicious package.
College officials called police and postal inspectors after the box was delivered Thursday. What they found inside wasn't a bomb — it was a box containing 500 condoms.
The package was sent to a teacher of a human sexuality class, and was sent by a person who had been a previous speaker at the class, said Rob Denson, the college's president.
Posted by William N. Phillips, Jr. at 4/29/2007 12:39:00 AM