Country ditties for lefties so they won't feel all blue

Source: Philadelphia Inquirer January 1, 2005 http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/entertainment/10542287.htm?1c

Country ditties for lefties so they won't feel all blue


Most country songs are larded with conservative values about God, patriotism, and the right way to treat a honky-tonk angel.

Where, I ask you, is the lefty point of view?

In the spirit of unity for a new year, I propose a melding of blue-state content with red-state form - the purple contrivance known as the liberal country song. Here are a few snippets:

The Darwin Song

for the Churchgoing Lefty

I believe we come from monkeys,

I believe we swam the sea.

But I still believe in Jesus,

So back up off of me.

A Country Gay Marriage

Earl and Jimmy are in love.

They're plannin' a large weddin'.

Just 'cause they share a trailer,

Don't mean it's Armageddon.

And how's it hurt your marriage, folks,

If these boys go and try their own?

A neighbor couple so committed

Might raise the value of your home.

American Paradox

For the last time, little darlin',

Let me try and tell the truth.

You can hate the Iraq war,

But still support the troops.

And some believe the absence

Of those famous WMDs

Makes invading a foreign nation

Such a tough thing to conceive.

The Gun Song

When Kerry went a-goose huntin',

Oh man, I got the creeps

To know a U.S. president has got to pack some heat.

Now, guns pervade this culture like fruit in sangria wine.

So let's bury cop-killer bullets

And melt down those Tec-9s.

Rummy's John Hancock

Rummy don't sign letters home

To the kin of guys who died.

He'd rather let a machine

Write his "sorry" on the line.

He tells that young Southern soldier,

You must fight with the stuff you got.

So scrounge scrap heaps for armor, boys,

And hope they hit you where you're not.

Right-Thinking Christians

Only Christians know the way, now.

Only saved folks see what's right.

All that Koran, Talmud stuff

Merely blocks you from the light.

If you flinch at Ten Commandments

Posted high up in the school,

Then you miss the bigger picture

And become the devil's tool.

Just a Question

Here's a question for you now,

Just a thing I gotta know.

You oppose abortion rights,

Yet fry bad guys on death row.

Now, if all of life is precious,

Who they are and who they're not,

How can you strap a man down tight

And juice him hard with megawatts?

A slightly altered chorus of Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA"

And I'm proud to be an American

Where at least I know I'm free.

And no one like John Ashcroft

Is allowed to spy on me.

And I gladly stand up

Next to you and defend my right to say,

There ain't no doubt I love this land

Just not in the same way.


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Contact columnist Alfred Lubrano at 215-854-4969 or alubrano@phillynews.com.