You Asked... What's With The Runaround?

You Asked... What's With The Runaround?

Experts and readers answer our members' toughest dating and relationship questions

By Evan Marc Katz, Tom Blake, and Kristin Cavins, M.A., LMHC

Updated: Oct 27, 2007


"A few times I have met this woman who has two kids. I also have two kids. I am 30 and she is a little older, maybe 35. When I do see her, I make her laugh and her laugh makes me smile. I have been divorced for eight years and have rarely dated, but for some reason, whenever I see her I feel like there is something there. The problem is that the first time I tried to give her my number (I sent it to her work with a present), she did not call back, and when I saw her the next time she said she didn't get the paper. I doubted it but figured if she wasn't interested she'd just say so, so I flirted a little and we laughed. I said, 'Do you want my number?' and she said sure, so I wrote it on a piece of paper she handed me.

"I didn't see her for a month, but I saw her today and I said did you lose my number again? She said her cell phone broke and she was waiting for a new one. I asked her, when can I see you again? She said she and her friends were heading out on Saturday and she told me where. How do I approach this? I would like at least one date to see if anything is there, but I don't want to look any more desperate for her than I already have." -- Andrew M., 30, Mequon, Wyoming

Evan Marc Katz Answers

Dear Andrew -- Face it, my friend: she's not interested. She's gotten your gifts, gotten your number (twice!), and gotten your invitation, and she's STILL acting like she's never met you before. Could you have played this relationship differently? Sure. Instead of giving her your number and waiting for her to call, you could have gotten her number. That way there'd be no waiting, no ambiguity over lost phones and numbers. But even then, you'd still be wondering if she received your voicemail. Needless to say, when you run into her, she'll tell you that she never heard it. And you'll most likely believe her because you want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

She doesn't deserve it.

The thing is, Andrew, is that she actually thinks she's being polite by not directly rejecting you. In fact, by playing nice to your face and avoiding you when you're not around, she's being incredibly rude. So do yourself a favor: Move on to a woman who keeps your number, who returns your calls, who receives your advances. In short, find a woman who wants to go out with you -- they're much better company than the ones who don't.

Dating coach Evan Marc Katz is the author of "Why You're Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad." Read more advice from Evan at evanmarckatz.com and advicefromasingledatingexpert.com.

Tom Blake Answers

Andrew -- I like several things about you and this woman:

- You both have children and could be a great help to each other. You have something significant in common.

- You make her laugh and feel chemistry towards her. She obviously likes you or she wouldn't respond. You two have a good base from which to grow a relationship.

- She's a little older than you and that doesn't bother you, which is good. Some men your age foolishly only seek women in their early 20s.

But, she may be a little more mature than you, and that's where you are coming up short. You are putting the responsibility to schedule a date on her shoulders. That's wrong. You need to take the initiative. Ask her out on a real live date. Be assertive! Show her you are mature enough to be with her.

When you ask her out, be prepared for her answer. If she says, "I'm busy Saturday night," then you say, "How about Sunday night?" If she is busy on Sunday, then say, "What night would work best for you?" If she turns you down again, then back off. Just say okay and walk away.

If the latter happens, don't ask her out again. She knows you are interested. The ball is in her court. Just fade into the sunset and let her wonder what happened to you. If you have to try too hard with her, it's not worth it.

Tom Blake is an author, syndicated columnist and expert on dating after 50. Go to his website at findingloveafter50.com for dating articles and to sign up for his newsletter.

Kristin Cavins Answers

Hi Andrew -- I understand your disappointment that the woman who makes you smile doesn't seem to be responding to any of your overtures. The gift that you sent to her office (along with your phone number) was a lovely gesture. And while she said that she didn't receive your number, both you and I suspect that wasn't the case. Then, there was the broken cell phone, blah blah blah... You mentioned that if she wasn't interested you figured she would just say so. But the reality is, most people don't.

The ONLY bone (the short end of the wishbone) she has thrown to you was where she was going with her friends.

You could dare to show up briefly on Saturday night (hint, don't be pathetic loner guy, so bring a friend along) and see if she pays any attention to you. If she doesn't, then move on, and find a woman who makes you smile and will smile at you in return.

Kristin Cavins, M.A., LMHC is a psychotherapist who specializes in dating and relationships, and provides online and phone counseling. She is on the web at keycounselingservices.com