"Endless Love" -- A Dozen Tried and True Tips for Keeping the Flame Alive

"Endless Love" -- A Dozen Tried and True Tips for Keeping the Flame Alive
by Chelsea Badeau, Comcast.net Editor

What little girl doesn't dream of finding her prince charming and living happily ever after? We all want to find that "endless love," the soulmate that we can not only spend the rest of our lives with, but spend it with joy and romance. It's easy to be discouraged –– a look at news reports and Harris polls proclaiming that half of all marriages end in divorce these days is enough to bring anyone down –– and to give up hope that any relationship can stand the test of time. Even if true, these statistics only tell half the story –– the other 50% of marriages do last forever, but rarely make the news.

So what is the recipe, the magic formula for keeping love — and romance — alive in a long–term relationship? Naturally, I started looking for answers by checking in with my mom. After all, she and my dad have been together for over 30 years now. In addition to sharing her own secrets for success, she polled a group of her married friends that have been together a decade or more. Here are their combined "Top 12 Tips for Keeping Love Alive:"

12. Love his mother, Honor her father — Some men are always "mama's boys," and some women remain "daddy's little girls." One of my mother's friends wrote, "When I see how kind he is to my mom, my heart just swells with love for him." Accepting and respecting the in–laws reduces stress and demonstrates that you accept and respect your partner.

11. Spend time with the kids — When asked what they appreciated most about their husbands, all of the moms answered, "he is such a great dad." Watching your partner teaching or playing with children has an endearing charm that goes straight to the heart. Enjoying quality family time is the foundation for happy memories that sustain a relationship through the trials and challenges that will inevitably come along.

10. Take care of yourself — At the beginning of a relationship, you take the time to fix your hair and freshen your breath to spiff up for a date. But as time goes on, it is easy to get a little too comfortable and let yourself go. Both men and women appreciate a partner who puts a little energy into staying healthy and attractive — get off the couch and eat well, exercise (together?), and update your hair and wardrobe.

9. Maintain outside interests — You fell in love with him because he was interesting. He fell in love with you because you were fascinating. Nothing kills a relationship faster than boredom. Keep up your outside interests — your career, hobbies, and friends. Read, learn, and continue to grow as a person. Continue to be that woman of mystery, that man of intrigue who created such excitement in the early days of your relationship. Don't expect your partner to meet all your emotional needs. Women — keep your girlfriends. Men — make time for your buddies. Respect each other's need for time alone, show genuine interest in each other's jobs, friends, and activities — but don't crowd and smother one another.

8. Learn to argue well — Conflict is inevitable. You will argue and even fight. Learn to do it constructively and well. Be able to disagree without being disagreeable. Holding everything inside only creates festering emotional wounds, or eventually explosive rage. Nagging, whining, or complaining about your partner to others undermines your relationship and feeds unhealthy negativity. Learning how to listen, to give and accept criticism, to vent angry feelings, to say "I'm sorry," to forgive, and to not always have to be right can make the difference between a short and long–term relationship. Break plates if you need to — but don't let unexpressed or poorly expressed anger break up your relationship.

7. Accentuate the positive — Be free and frequent with compliments and appreciation. Don't assume he knows you appreciate him. Don't assume she knows you think she's still beautiful — say it out loud. The women polled said that giving and receiving daily compliments, including upbeat emails, little notes on the dash of the car, or "thank you for remembering to wash my favorite shirt" voicemails fan the flames of love all day long. And complimenting your partner in front of others will earn you bonus points.

6. Don't neglect physical affection —Remember, it's not all about S–E–X!!! Hugs, kisses, hand–holding, foot massages, backrubs, cuddles, even tickling are essential to feeling loved and staying connected. Regular and frequent affectionate touching leads to more satisfying, frequent, and sizzling lovemaking. Spice things up in the bedroom — and beyond.

5. Set Aside Special Couple Time — Many satisfied longtime partners swear by a weekly date. Others point to an hour of downtime –– alone –– in the evening. Others suggest that an annual vacation — sans kids — is the ticket to success. However you manage it, just do it. Spend time alone together — a relationship will quickly grow cold if the busy–ness and business of everyday life is allowed to encroach on all of your "couple time." And don't expect quality couple time to "just happen." Plan it and then don't let anything get in the way.

4. It's the little things — While vacations, hot dates, and romantic gestures will go a long way towards keeping love alive, it is really the little, daily expressions of caring that keep the warmth and joy in long–term relationships. Fixing her coffee in the morning the way she likes it, picking up your socks without being reminded, taking over one of his usual chores when he is tired, asking about her day and showing genuine interest in the answer –– these little moments add up to big dividends in a long–term relationship.

3. Build trust — Trust is hard. It takes time to build and is easy to break. Value your partner's trust and don't do anything to compromise it. Demonstrate your trust in him — don't let jealousy get a foothold in your relationship. In a trusting relationship, you are free to feel and express a full range of emotions. You feel safe even when you are most vulnerable.

2. Surprise! — Don't stop surprising him, do the unexpected. So you're not the world's best cook? Plan a romantic dinner — even if your culinary skills are lacking, your efforts will be appreciated and might prove to be humorous — laughter is one of the key ingredients in any healthy relationship. Keep your partner slightly off–balance by doing new, fun, and silly things routinely.

And the number one most important tip for keeping love alive is:

1. Dream together — A relationship can survive devastating financial losses, unfathomable grief, traumas, challenges, illness, periods of unexpected separation, and more –– as long as it is built on a foundation of shared faith, common values, goals, dreams, hopes, and a vision for a future together. "To love is not to look at one another, but to look together in the same direction." –– Antoine de Saint–Exupery

Chelsea Badeau can be reached at chelscorner@comcast.net.

The opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.