Reversing the Roles: Women Pursuing Men

Reversing the Roles: Women Pursuing Men

By Chelsea Badeau, Comcast.net Relationships Editor
November 13, 2005

So Sadie Hawkins Day was this week. Do we all know the point of this holiday? I was clueless until a few years back.

It seems that it originated from a comic strip, Al Capp's "L'il Abner," that debuted on November 15, 1937. Sadie Hawkins was a character in the strip and she wasn't the prettiest girl around?she may have even been the ugliest in town. Her father, who was also the mayor of the town, was sick and tired of waiting for a man to ask her out and was worried that he would never marry her off, so he took matters into his own hands and started a foot race where single ladies would chase the available bachelors, with marriage as the prize. Of course, Sadie used speed to make up for her looks and caught her man.

This idea caught on in real life and soon colleges across the nation were holding their own Sadie Hawkins Day events where the idea was for women to ask men out, usually to a dance. Due to the popularity of these events, the day became an annual "holiday." For more information and to read the cartoon strip, check out http://www.lil-abner.com/strip.htm.

The original intent behind this day was to give women the opportunity to do something that wouldn't ordinarily be acceptable. As the years have gone by, however, this holiday is looked upon by many critics as sexist and unnecessary. The thought is that women no longer need a special day to ask men out because it is an accepted part of life in the 21st century and they can--and do--pursue men at their leisure and without any objections from society.

But is this really the case? Do most women actually feel comfortable asking a man out on a date? Or is it still somewhat taboo for a woman to approach a man in a romantic manner?

I surveyed a number of men and women on this topic and received a variety of opinions. Most of the women said that they think it's completely acceptable for a woman to ask a man out on a date and most say they have done it at least once.

One young professional, Regina F., says "Yes, it's acceptable. With that being said, if a woman asks a guy out, she should be prepared to pay for dinner, drinks, etc." Hmm...the plot thickens. But that topic would take a whole column to do justice, so I will stay focused on the issue at hand.

The majority of men I interviewed also indicated that it is fine for women to ask men out, and actually in most cases, it is a welcome change to the norm. One man, Darren C., says, "Totally acceptable -- how else would you know if she's interested? Seems people are busier every day and there isn't much time for the traditional courtship. The 24/7 world has changed the rules."

Chipper J. animatedly agreed, saying, "Yes, of course it's OK. We're not living in an oppressive country and it's not 1935. Women are involved in every aspect of society in this country and should have every right to go after whatever they like, not only in career, but in love. Don't you watch 'Sex and the City?'"

However one man, Donald R., ponders, "I think it's still a tad taboo, but I think it's totally acceptable (and speaking personally, very welcome)."

While most of the men and women I spoke to were all gung-ho for women asking men out on a casual date, when the subject of marriage came up, the opinion tide took a turn.

The majority of the women I asked said that while they don't see anything wrong with a woman proposing to a man, most went on to add that they would never actually consider doing it themselves. Now, what does that really say?

One woman, Claudia C., says, "I think it's OK if a woman did that. She should have the right just as much as any man should. I'd perhaps casually bring up the idea of it if I was really interested and I thought the guy was interested too. That way he'd feel more comfortable asking me because he'd know I'd say yes. Even though I totally believe in equality of the sexes, there is something to be said about the tradition of the guy proposing to the girl."

Sara C. agrees: "I'm all for women's rights, but I think it should be the man's job to propose. I think it's fine for the woman to drop hints (like poking her boyfriend when they walk by a jewelry store), but I think it somehow might make the man feel less manly if his girlfriend proposes to him. The furthest I would go would be to ask, 'When are you going to propose?'"

Julie L. says, "Hmmm...this isn't so cut and dry for me... bottom line is I think it is OK. I wouldn't have a problem with someone else choosing to do it if they felt comfortable with it, but personally, I would probably never consider it," Julie goes on to add, "I would hope the person I was to marry would know that him asking was my preference and I wouldn't want to get to the point where I felt like I had to ask or I wouldn't be willing to commit to marry him at that point if he wasn't in tune with my preferences."

The men also were not very keen on the idea of a woman asking a man to marry her.

George H. says, "This is a tough one. I believe tradition still applies here. Man gets on knee and all that fun stuff. However, I think it is totally appropriate for a woman to bring up marriage during the course of a relationship."

Donald R. says, "Personally, I would probably feel a little cheated if a girl proposed to me. I feel like the proposal is my responsibility. However, the reverse-proposal does happen. My grandmother was the one who asked my grandfather to get married back in the 1940s, and he said yes." He adds, "Since men are traditionally more reluctant to jump into marriage than women, the main concern here is how certain the girl is that he'll agree to it."

Chipper J. says, "Yes it's OK ... however I think because it's customary for a man to ask a woman you'd have to evaluate the relationship to see why the guy hadn't asked first."

Very interesting. It seems that while we, as a society, have progressed to the point where it is acceptable, if not commonplace, for a woman to ask a man out, we are not to the point where most people feel comfortable with a woman (gasp!) proposing marriage.

Personally, I think it's great if a woman is gutsy enough to ask a guy out on a date. I am a big flirt and will clearly let a man know when I am interested, although I don't usually do the actual asking. I do, however, have a lot of respect for women who have enough self-confidence to approach a man and ask for a date.

It's great that so many women feel empowered enough to take such an important aspect of their lives into their own hands and not wait at home for a phone call that may never come. I also think that it's important to note that it's not only "homely girls" like Sadie that are asking men out. Beautiful, professional, strong women of all races, ages, and sizes are asking men out and are proud of it.

Thank goodness we have come a long way since the first Sadie Hawkins Day. How many more years do you think will pass before it becomes socially acceptable for a woman to propose marriage to a man?

Please send me your opinion or stories on this topic.


Have you ever asked a man out? Women share their stories:

"When I was in 11th grade, I had a crush on a 12th-grader, Chris. A few days a year, they would have a carnation sale at my school and people would buy carnations for a dollar apiece and have them delivered to their sweetie's homeroom. I was all ready to send a carnation to Chris when I found out he was absent that day. So I bought a carnation anyway, flattened it out, put it in an envelope, and mailed it to Chris's house with a note telling him that I missed him on carnation day. I don't think he ever asked me out, but I felt really good about myself for being that bold."
--Sara C.

"I've never outright asked a guy if he'd like to go on a date, but I'll often invite a guy to just hang out or go someplace like a movie or concert if I'm interested in him, something very casual. So I guess I have an indirect approach at asking guys out. Sometimes I'll just invite a guy to a party my friend is throwing or something."
--Claudia B.

"Yup, several times. They went out with me, and I ended up getting married to one."
--Shauna B.

"Yes, it didn't go well...he turned me down. Needless to say, I haven't tried that again. I will drop hints to a guy to let him know I'm interested, but I will no longer go so far as to ask."
--Regina F.

Has a women ever asked you out? Men share their stories:

"I've been asked out a few times. Nothing terribly inventive, just, "Would you like to go to (place or event) with me?" I think it shows a great deal of confidence, which is very attractive."
--George H.

"Heck yeah. I didn't know she was interested in me. We were at a party and she suggested that we go out to dinner sometime. It was refreshing because I had a date and really didn't have to think about it."
--Darrin C.

"Yes. I had a woman ask me out in college once. She knew full well that I had a girlfriend that I had been dating for about two years. The girl that asked me out was awesome and soooo hot. I said yes, broke up with my longtime girlfriend and then a few months later this evil vixen dumped me. I was so heartbroken and felt so bad for having dumped my longtime girlfriend"
--Chipper J.



Chelsea Badeau can be reached at chelscorner@comcast.net .

The opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.