Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

By Chelsea Badeau, Comcast.net Relationships Editor
October 23, 2005

In response to recent comments from male readers and even a few male co-workers that I don't 'show enough love' to men in my column, I decided to use this article to focus on the "nice guys" of the world. The guys that open doors, call when they say they will, listen to women complain and actually offer real advice, ... and usually end up alone while the so-called "bad boys" get all the girls.

Well, at least that's the theory. I spent this past week investigating this age-old concept of nice guys finishing last. Is it really true and if it is, why is it the case?

Damien C., a young married man I interviewed said, "Nice guys don't always finish last, but they have a terrible time getting out of the gate."

"It seems that most women say they want a nice guy that will treat them right," says George H., a single professional. "But, when you get down to it, there's nothing less attractive to most people than someone who really likes them. Sad, but true." George also goes on to add, "Take it from a bad guy turned good, I did much better with the ladies when I was a complete jerk."

I think it's true that many women say they want a nice guy and then when they actually get a man that treats them right, they walk all over him, treat him like crap, and then break up with him saying that he is too boring. It's kind of like those nice teachers back in school days; you like them but even though you might try not to, it's often very easy to take advantage of their kindness.

Here is an example of a nice guy that was overlooked for a bad boy. Damien shares this experience:

"This is the tale of two male friends who are no longer friends mainly because the "nice" one very rarely got the girl and because the "bad" one, while an undeniable ladies man, would get the cream of the crop simply because he was able to talk to the ladies with zero inhibition and with absolutely no regard for the consequences.

The two friends were having a party at an apartment they shared. The nice one invited the girl that he had been pining over for the past few weeks. He would always make small talk with her but didn't ask her out or make a move on her because he was waiting for the right time and did not want to blow the one shot he thought he would have.

At the party the nice guy started to dance with the woman and both were having a groovin' good time. All was well, but during the night, the bad boy began to glance her way and gradually move toward her. The woman stopped dancing with the nice one and ended up talking to the bad one for a while. We all know what happens here?-- the bad boy ends up getting the girl."

I must admit that in my younger days, I too was guilty of trashing a very nice guy. He was almost perfect. He would make elaborate plans to show me a good time that was different from the run-of-the-mill dinner and a movie. He always opened doors, pulled out chairs, and helped me with my coat. He took me to comedy shows, specialty restaurants, and even on a camping trip. He gave me small gifts out of the blue. Once, he knew I had a cold and picked up some cough drops and vitamins. He worked close to my job and on one occasion left a sweet poem on my car windshield while I was working.

How did I return his kindness? I gave him the cold shoulder. I shrugged off his calls and slowly cut him out of my life right before Christmas. I was young and he was several years older than me. I guess I was guilty of being wrapped up in 'the game.' I wanted to play the field and didn't want to be tied down by this nice guy. Unfortunately, I wasn't mature enough to break up with him in a dignified manner.

Looking back, I truly feel horrible about the way I treated him. And if he is out there somewhere reading this, I hope he accepts my apology and I sincerely hope he has found someone that appreciates all of the nice things that he does. I am glad to say that I have grown a lot since then and revel in the goodness and realness that a nice guy brings to the table. Fortunately, I have been able to meet more nice guys and treat them with the same respect they give to me.

Now, to answer the why part of this 'nice guy treated like crap' equation. There are many reasons, although lame ones in my opinion, why women choose bad boys over nice guys. Some women like 'the chase,' they like a challenge, and often see nice guys as pushovers. Other women feel so comfortable around nice guys that they can only view them as friends. A few women actually seem to thrive off of relationships that involve a lot of bickering. They don't know how to deal with a guy who showers them with compliments instead of insults.

I think that women who prefer a callous man to a nice guy are emotionally immature. Sure, there is something to be said for the excitement and spontaneity that a bad boy can bring to a relationship, but as women grow older, wiser, and more mature, most realize that a nice guy can also provide excitement and spontaneity in addition to attention, kindness, and most importantly, genuine love.

Does a nice guy stand a chance? Yes!!! In the end, they almost always win out. No woman in her right mind wants to spend her life with a shallow, wild, bad boy. Although it's often a rough road for nice guys in search of returned affection, don't give up. Going back to the fable of the tortoise and the hare, the bad boy is the hare and the nice guy is the tortoise. The bad boy thinks he is the hotshot, but in the end it's the nice guy who prevails.

Nice guys: while you are on your quest for real love, don't let women use you. If you feel like you are being taken advantage of, ignored, or otherwise dissed--move on. Even if it means being alone for awhile, it's not worth it to focus your attention on someone who is unappreciative and undeserving of your goodness.

So, to every nice guy that's staying true to his heart and not changing his nature to attract women that can't appreciate him, I say cheers! Keep your head up. Continue to hold doors and pull out chairs. Your time will come and your niceness will be rewarded with a fulfilling relationship with a 'nice girl.'

Please feel free to email Chelsea if you have a 'nice guy' comment or story to share.



Chelsea Badeau can be reached at chelscorner@comcast.net .

The opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Comcast.