Guy Refuses to Take Pride in Paying for the Dates

Guy Refuses to Take Pride in Paying for the Dates

By Male Call
MercuryNews.com
Updated: Jun 21, 2007

Question: Should the guy pay for the date? I'm struggling with a money issue with a guy I've been dating a few months. We make similar money -- not much, but not minimum wage. We were splitting the bill when we first started dating.

After we had been dating for a while, I asked if we could treat each other to dates rather than split the bill, because it's nicer. We started doing this, and he does take me out sometimes, but not all the time. Now I'm anxious every time we go out: Is he going to pay? Isn't he?The truth is, I prefer to be taken out by the guy. I know it's antiquated, but it makes me feel wanted, taken care of, special. I don't mind paying for dinner or drinks every second or third time. Most guys seem to take it as a point of pride that they're paying ... this guy doesn't.Even after several months, and my paying every other time for nicer dinners, etc.,
he still makes it known at times that we are going Dutch
he still makes it known at times that we are going Dutch or that he's not paying for the entire evening. It brings him down in my esteem ... but I don't know if I'm being overly demanding. Is he a tightwad? Or am I ridiculously old-fashioned? -- S.A., San Jose, California

Answer: This is an endlessly fascinating topic, since it raises all sorts of questions about fairness, feminism, the shackles inherent in a patriarchal society, mathematics and, perhaps most important in the long run, monetary policy at the Fed.

Luckily, we won't go anywhere near most of those issues. What do we look like, Mother Jones? No, we prefer to keep things simple, because that's just the way we roll, and also because we have no idea what "the Fed" is, anyway. Does "Fannie Mae" live there with "Freddie Mac"? If so, who pays for dinner at "Trader Vic's"? Never mind. We don't really want to know.

A tightwad

First things first, S.A. Yes, the guy is a tightwad.
He also must have missed the first day of Guy School 101
He also must have missed the first day of Guy School 101, where he would have learned that The Guy Always Pays (at least at first).

We didn't say it's fair; it just is. For some reason, feminism was able to stamp out inequality in many areas, but this one hangs on. Why it remains and, for instance, smoking hot stewardesses have disappeared, is a mystery and, needless to say, a disappointment to us.

But most guys (though not, apparently, your Mr. McCheapo) will set aside the incongruity and go with tradition. They want to make a good impression, and they know part of that entails paying for those first few Beef Burrito Supremes, even if it means diving into the nether regions of the couch for spare change. (Tip for guys: Unscrew the top of the agitator assembly inside your washer and lift it off. You'll find at least $1.50 in quarters under there, plus maybe that Paris Hilton flash drive you thought you had misplaced.)

So yes, S.A. -- if indeed that is your real name -- your position is antiquated, and ridiculously old-fashioned. But we mean that in a good way. In your case anyway. Because you at least offer to pay some of the time. Nothing turns a guy off more than a woman who never ever offers to chip in. And, just FYI, the opposite is true as well -- a guy who hears "Honey, tonight is on me ... OK, no, not actually ON me, but I'm paying" is likely to be very appreciative of the gesture. If you know what we mean. If not, ask Freddie Mac.

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Male Call answers questions from men and women on etiquette, relationships, men's style and more. Write malecall@mercurynews.com. Also check out the Male Call forum at MercuryNews.com.